Whew

Schools over until Sept. Just finished my philosophy class- awesome instructor- grueling reading, read 4 novels in 4 weeks- The stranger by Camu, Unbearable lightness of Being, The Schopenhauer Cure, and Veronika Decided to Die- just a little light reading about Death- uplifting shit.
Aaron graduated. THANK GOD!!!! Wow- I cried when I found out he is actually graduating. Now he's off sowing his wild 18 yo oats. At least until we return from Montana- then he has to behave like an adult. OUch.
Getting ready for vacation to my favorite place in the whole world----MONTANA. Definitely going to retire to the Wellborn 100 acre compound- even if I have to live in a tree house somewhere. Kids totally excited- even want to leave at 3 am tomorrow morning to get there sooner- right.....So today will be busy packing etc.
Just got the kitten neutered- he has no clue, of course, that he just had surgery- he's friggin nuts!! Confine him for 7-10 days in one room they say- NOT!

Physically and mentally it was a difficult June- mom with her heart problems, Rach with her chronic pain, me- hypochondriac- had a CT scan of the abdomen for RUQ pain- of course I thought I had pancreatic cancer since it was the worst thing I could imagine having- that was a week or so ago- guess I'm not dying or would have heard by now- all of us with anxiety- hope that improves- hope July proves to be a better month.

Off to pack!!

Guilt and forgiveness

Guilt is painful and forgiveness is hard. But guilt was formed from inability to forgive. And because I found it hard to forgive and the person is no longer around- I have guilt from not forgiving- and of course not knowing that the person would die. I forgive him for the situation with my sister- I just forgave him too late. What I have to realize is that domestic violence is a bad situation- one in which I feel quite strongly about- so one episode tarnished my thoughts- would not let me forgive and gave me ammo for discontent and dislike- now my heart hurts for my inability to forgive him for what happened. I just hope that he can accept my apology- if my sister was able to forgive and my family able to forgive- I should have been able to as well- for that is what my religion class was all about. If only I had learned my lesson sooner.

Sad Day

Yesterday my sister Rachel's boyfriend was found dead in his bed at home. Age 34. Preliminary autopsy results show heart failure- will wait for toxicology studies for final results.

R.I.P Henry Keller- my sister loved you dearly- you two definitely had some problems but she has a deep hole in her heart right now because you are gone. I hope life is better for you up there- your "my space" page said you wanted to meet your maker- and now you have met him. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=71605282

Rach, I am so sorry that your heart is breaking. You have been dealt a horrible blows this past year- they just keep getting worse and hurting harder. Last night I prayed for the first time in years that God would keep you from further pain- I worry so much about you because I just don't know how much more one person can take. Just know that I will always be here for you. I love you.

Life is so short and so precious and we never know when it may end. Tragedies are supposed to make us stronger but with each one I just feel weaker.

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