Our Donor and the Chronicles of the Failed Ovaries

We finally found our donor. The genetic mother of our to-be baby...Same height and weight (- 20 pounds) (Well.... I used to be that skinny...geesh). Same blood type. Her picture kinda looks like little orphan Annie (they only show us the pics from childhood)... The only kinda creepy part is one of her pics looks like a female version of Mike when he was a kid.. "They" say we are all very closely related genetically. Ok- that was kind of sick but anyway- Our donor goes in for further f/u testing this week. I really like that they( Seattle Reproductive Medicine) do a follow up drug and nicotine testing prior to starting a cycle. Oh and she is a proven donor- this has become increasingly important to me lately. BUT, there is a fee of $3000 to hold your donor. And of course, this isn't covered with the $38,000 Attain package (the flat fee get 3 fresh IVF and 3 Frozen embryo transfer package). NOOOOOOO- this is extra. So now we have to come up with another 3,000. Good lord this is one expensive child- and it hasn't even been conceived yet.

The next step involves talking to the genetic counselor to determine if we want any more testing for Mike or for the donor (additional fee of course)...yah right. Then birth control pills and then we start coordinating cycles and then the fun begins..Looking forward to the injections with big needles and viscous painful fluids. Good times ahead....good times.

Keep following for more adventures of the failed ovaries..

Mock cycle complete!

Mock estrogen cycle completed!! Uterine lining responded well to Estrogen therapy. Blood levels remained within normal limits. Hysterosonogram was perfect- no polyps or fibroids. Had a sounding too- which is a mock transfer to find the right spot for the little eggie. Still looking for the perfect donor with Seattle Reproductive Medicine. Can't believe how quickly the donors are snatched up! I guess the donor egg program is a lot more popular than i have ever imagined. Amazing the modern medical miracles that take place daily! I recently learned through a friend going through this that is is best to choose a proven donor. Proven donors have already shown they are responsible and able to take their medications and must have proven results or they would be declined further cycles.

Next step is birth control pills (brings me back to my teenage days. What ever happened to the days of getting pregnant in the back seat of a car) Then cycle coordination with our donor.

Hoping for a transfer date of July...ish...

But for now- the sun is calling my name and my poor road bike is whining like an unloved dog..

Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to all you wonderful mom's out there. Another beautiful day at Valley Nursery spending a small fortune on flowers and plants. Thank you to all my kids for helping plant and do yard work. Something so fulfilling about putting your hands in mother earth on Mother's Day.

Had a saline infused sonogram and my blood drawn Fri. The doctor proclaims my uterus is beautiful and the transfer will go swimmingly!! If only my ovaries were so beautiful! Should finish up this mock estrogen cycle Fri 14th after another blood draw and another ultrasound to check the uterine lining. So far I haven't gone crazy on this estrogen patch- I will check back on this after this week of increasing my estrogen dosage 4 fold!

Last night, Aaron, Mike and I saw Coheed and Cambria at the SoHo Showbox in Seattle. They were great!! My back and feet are still recovering from all the standing.

BREAKING NEWS---my dryer just died.....Stay tuned.

Estrogen and epigenetics

Started Estrogen patches last night for my "mock cycle". This is to see how the lining of my uterus responds to estrogen in preparation for the REAL DEAL. Still having worries after reading all the books on DE: Will I love my baby as much as I do my genetic children? How many siblings will this baby have out there? What if the baby marries or dates a sibling without knowing it? Will the baby love me as much he/she would their genetic mom? What about the young naive donor- how will she feel when her mind and heart matures more? Will she want to find her genetic children? What if my donor someday struggles with infertility and here I have used up all her young eggs?? How will I feel about my husband having "test tube sex" with a younger woman? How am I going to deal with those idiots and their insensitive comments and questions?... Oh the worries that enter my head..

However, I just read a very interesting and re-assuring article on epigenetics. This article states that biology determines which genes will be expressed. Meaning my biology- the environment that gives the baby flesh, blood, and life- will determine which genes inherited from the donor will be expressed. This challenges once again the nature vs. nurture theories. Knowing that I will be the BIOLOGICAL mother of this child does make me feel better. Some of the books mention the DE moms feelings of a little alien growing in their stomach (due to lack of genetic relation). Or the feeling that they are a "fake mom" just acting as a incubator- these thoughts stirred up feelings of uncertainty and ambivalence. But after reading the articles on epigenetics- I found myself feeling thrilled and excited again.

Back to the mock estrogen cycle...I go for blood draws, and ultrasounds as well as a saline infused sonogram through out this cycle.. As much as I hate going to the doctor and require xanax with the very thought- I must really really want a baby!!! I want a baby so bad, I can already smell the scent of a newborns head and the feel of an infant asleep in my arms.........feeding life makes me wanna garden. CIAO!

Donor eggs

Well here I am after 2 1/2 years of trying for a baby...still...not...pregnant...

Now moving on to donor egg IVF due to my geriatric ovaries. Follow along for the ride......

Wounds

Totally loving my new job in wound/ostomy care. Have I seen some doozies in the last couple of weeks!!! Holy crap!! The sicker the better....thats all

Believe or not...I'm not a small child anymore!!!

Feeling a bit down today. Things just are not going quite the way I would like for them to go. You know when another adult continually talks to you like you are a child; scolds and reprimands you like one- forgetting you are a capable adult, so set on being "the hammer"," must discipline, must discipline, must exert force and authority", "I'm the boss, I'm the boss".

I don't know if this excessive "control" manifests itself because one feels lack of control or excessive stress. Anyway- I suppose I don't respond in the appropriate manner either. I become rather resentful and this builds up further and further into resentful frustration and apparent constant irritation and unnecessary jabs. But pointing it out creates an obtuse debate that I just will not win.. Conversations must be very very precise...tauntingly precise..once again as if I am a small child being told how to converse. Almost like a little game...the kind you play with children to intentionally frustrate them and make them think.

Quandary.....and some tears.....

Geriatric Ovaries

I am so not good at keeping up on this thing...So here's life in a nutshell for the last several months.

1.) I finally graduated with my BSN from PLU in December- Magna Cum Laude even with a 3.89- Suma was 3.9 (God forbid a PLU nursing student would get SUma)!!! WOOOOT WOOOOT!! Took my NCLEX on FEB 10th- was pretty sure I flunked- never been so wigged out in my life. Found out on the 12th that I passed. Wasn't exactly sure how one could pass the NCLEX when one guessed the entire way through it----But I am officially Julie Wellborn RN BSN and DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!

2.) Found out on Wed. Feb 11th- that I have geriatric ovaries and only have a 2% chance of conceiving on my own- only hope is IVF and I have ummmm.... 20% chance at best...Oh yeah....I want a baby- I know...I know....but I haven't written in ages- have actually been "trying" for a year now...This is quite new to me considering I used to be Fertile Mertyl.... Sooooo- really cannot afford IVF even if I can get into their "study" for geriatric ovaries. So I became a vegetarian (well mostly). Cut out coffee (well mostly) and alcohol (pretty much) AND I went to acupuncture yesterday- as acupuncture can increase your fertility by 40% or so.....hopefully that applies to geriatric ovaries. Acupuncture was GREAT- she is even going to put together an herbal concoction for me to take--I think I have a stagnant spleen and some excesses and deficiencies???

3.) Aaron is attending the Art Institue of Seattle and doing very well. He LOVES it- and I love that he loves it and is doing well. I love seeing his artwork!! And LOVE that he loves what he is doing enough to put so much effort into this.

4.) Bridget is fabulous!! She is working and going to school- (and dating her boss- good girl!!! Way to get what you want outta life!!!). She is in Belligham and loves it there! I'm so proud of her for doing so well.

5.) Mason and Josie are GREAT!! Wonderful kids that excel in school and are quite brilliant!! Mason is in 5th grade but reading at college level- Went through the four Twilight books in.....about......4 weeks. Josie is a kick ass soccer player!!! Need to get her into Select or whatever they call it..She was actually being scouted during fall soccer season- which is actually not "legal" I heard.

6.) Mike is great- my wonderful supportive sexy spandex clad spouse---well.. except for when he skips, slides, flits, and occasionally makes me wonder if he was gay in a former life...Don't know what I would do without him!!! LOVE YOU BABE!!!

7.) I should start my residency in home health here some day...I love home health..kinda scary sometimes though because you are sooooo autonomous and independent out there in the field. I was having quite a slump there with venipuncture for a bit.. hopefully that's over..I was seriously questioning my competence as a home health nurse- whereas in the hospital or doctors office- you can go get someone else.....hhhmmm- they kinda frown on that in home health if you consider the expense of an extra patient vist. blah blah.....

Anyway- life there in a nutshell...Of course it isn't everything. There's always cars, dogs, cats, house, yard, bills, identity theft, family drama, mom's heart surgery, two new baby nephews, facebook addiction, irritable bowel issues, mountain biking, hiking...you get the picture........LIFE

Whew

Schools over until Sept. Just finished my philosophy class- awesome instructor- grueling reading, read 4 novels in 4 weeks- The stranger by Camu, Unbearable lightness of Being, The Schopenhauer Cure, and Veronika Decided to Die- just a little light reading about Death- uplifting shit.
Aaron graduated. THANK GOD!!!! Wow- I cried when I found out he is actually graduating. Now he's off sowing his wild 18 yo oats. At least until we return from Montana- then he has to behave like an adult. OUch.
Getting ready for vacation to my favorite place in the whole world----MONTANA. Definitely going to retire to the Wellborn 100 acre compound- even if I have to live in a tree house somewhere. Kids totally excited- even want to leave at 3 am tomorrow morning to get there sooner- right.....So today will be busy packing etc.
Just got the kitten neutered- he has no clue, of course, that he just had surgery- he's friggin nuts!! Confine him for 7-10 days in one room they say- NOT!

Physically and mentally it was a difficult June- mom with her heart problems, Rach with her chronic pain, me- hypochondriac- had a CT scan of the abdomen for RUQ pain- of course I thought I had pancreatic cancer since it was the worst thing I could imagine having- that was a week or so ago- guess I'm not dying or would have heard by now- all of us with anxiety- hope that improves- hope July proves to be a better month.

Off to pack!!

Guilt and forgiveness

Guilt is painful and forgiveness is hard. But guilt was formed from inability to forgive. And because I found it hard to forgive and the person is no longer around- I have guilt from not forgiving- and of course not knowing that the person would die. I forgive him for the situation with my sister- I just forgave him too late. What I have to realize is that domestic violence is a bad situation- one in which I feel quite strongly about- so one episode tarnished my thoughts- would not let me forgive and gave me ammo for discontent and dislike- now my heart hurts for my inability to forgive him for what happened. I just hope that he can accept my apology- if my sister was able to forgive and my family able to forgive- I should have been able to as well- for that is what my religion class was all about. If only I had learned my lesson sooner.

Sad Day

Yesterday my sister Rachel's boyfriend was found dead in his bed at home. Age 34. Preliminary autopsy results show heart failure- will wait for toxicology studies for final results.

R.I.P Henry Keller- my sister loved you dearly- you two definitely had some problems but she has a deep hole in her heart right now because you are gone. I hope life is better for you up there- your "my space" page said you wanted to meet your maker- and now you have met him. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=71605282

Rach, I am so sorry that your heart is breaking. You have been dealt a horrible blows this past year- they just keep getting worse and hurting harder. Last night I prayed for the first time in years that God would keep you from further pain- I worry so much about you because I just don't know how much more one person can take. Just know that I will always be here for you. I love you.

Life is so short and so precious and we never know when it may end. Tragedies are supposed to make us stronger but with each one I just feel weaker.

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Oregon Coast

Hello from Oregon coast- here are some of our pics from our visit here- having a great time! Weather is beautiful!!..today......Had a great time with Kat and Eric and enjoyed seeing Seth again. Saw whales today on the boating tour- Josie was scared shitless! Have a beautiful condo on the beach- 174 steps to get to the beach. Shot off a few illegal fireworks- about caught the house on fire but all is good!!!

New Park- Fun fun

Took the little ones last week to the new Harborside Park in downtown Bremerton. What a fabulous little park! And I love that they allow the kids to play in the water and the fountain- makes it very memorable for the kids and just look how much fun they are having!!!!

PARTY PARTY

The following day of Bridget's graduation we had a big grad party. Lots of friends, family, and craziness. Food, drink, lots of laughter (haven't laughed so hard in ages), Good times...good times..

Graduation

She did it!! My little girl graduated! Exactly 20 years ago - I graduated from the same high school. Time flies. She looked so grown up in her heels and gown. Can hardly believe how fast time has flown by!!! Had lots of family show up and my dad and Claudia suffered with a grueling trip from Friday Harbor (sorry bout the lack of beer at the dome daddyo). My dad, Claudia, and I sat in the nosebleed section- was dizzyingly high up there! Cannot believe how many people packed the dome for graduation. Decked out my car with paint to celebrate my little girl!!!! What a proud mommy I am!!!

My Beautiful Princess!!!!

Here are pictures of my beautiful 18 yo daughter on prom night. I cannot believe she is a senior and graduating from the same high school that I went to just yesterday!! After graduation she plans to attend Whatcom Community College in Bellingham and then transfer to WWU- her Aunt Bee's alma mater (she adores her Aunt Bee).

So I will be gathering together a hope chest filled with supplies for her own apartment....her own apartment...OMIGOD!! My heart hurts..I am serious..when I think of my little girl as a grown up on her own with her own apartment and on her own in this harsh world where things can hurt her it literally hurts my heart, the thought of the dangers she could face gives me great anxiety and fills me with fear. How will I protect her??? In fact just writing this makes me want to cry. I dont know how parents deal with it- how do they let go? I am such a blubbery baby.

But look how gorgeous she is..........

Mountain Biking

I can't quite explain what it is like (for those of you who don't ride). When mountain biking, you simply cannot think of anything else- you have to think of the next turn- how do I take it..wide..tight?? Crap there is a root- lift up the front, push down on the bars and lift the back wheel over it- shit!!! I wasn't expecting that drop- sit back or endo and die...Listen....Listen to the wildlife- feel the breeze as you whip down the hill- you feel as if you are flying- nothing feels so invigorating. You feel rebellious as you grunt through the big muddy ass puddle and feel the mud fly all over your face like when you made mud pies as a child. DAMN--you bite it-- but the first thing you do is check your bike- then your body--just a little blood- everything still moves- good thing I know some good orthopedic surgeons..... Get up...do it again.......AWWW nothing like mountain biking.....

My accident prone little man

Another trip to the doctors office to see Dr. VanBuecken (orthopedics) this morning for yet another playground accident.
Diagnosis: Distal clavicle fracture- nondisplaced
Treatment: Sling for 3 weeks.
Prognosis: Excellent
Patient teaching: Quit running on the playground!!! Or at least pick up your feet!!!!!

Took my last final yesterday- survived my first year at PLU with a 3.95 gpa. Just taking a few online classes this summer- art and anthropology at local community college. University of Chester or Olympic Community College- who by the way is striving to charge university prices- HOLY CRAP!!!! Cost about $868 for two online summer classes- not including textbooks- whew.....
OUt to work in the yard--- BBQ tomorrow!!!!

Duh

Forgot I had a blog- took me an hour to figure out what my password was. Had to catch up on the Monkey rants on his plans to capture bike mileage. (Goals are good honey :) ). I dont really have anything to say- just that I am still alive- haven't gotten kicked outta nursing school yet- give me a few days..like when I get my dosage calculations score back.....
P. S. remind me to write about the therapist at the Mental Hospital where I am doing my clinical rotation who fears we will become too friendly and nice with the mentally ill criminal offenders such as the mentally ill murderers and rapists and give them our address and phone numbers when they get out- invite them for drinks etc. Maybe offer them a small child..Anyway that is a sick other story.

Going to get back to work now...(yes..I am at work...yes..I am bored.)